a little weed

colin told me i forgot the 3 month picture

so here it is:

vote of secrecy

made two drawings tonight: one of a baby and one of a cardinal. one 90 days old and one 90 years old.

 

 the baby drawing is not pictured. turns out, it's really hard to draw babies. their portions are all different than the people i'm used to drawing.

 lots of changes these days. realizing that the idea i always had of "when i grow up" is now. things i expected of my life to happen at some magical future date are happening today. that is taking a while to sink in. at some point i realized that growing up doesn't just magically occur when you reach a certain age and the universe deems you ready. i think these past few years have consisted of me both accepting and denying this turning point in my life. some friends were lost along the way, some gained. nothing will make you feel more grown up than guiding another human being through all the stages in life you once went through. this week consists of him learning that he can open and close his hands, and in that simple act he is able to hold on to the world.

martin parr was in the museum this week. i'm glad i didn't get to talk to him because apparently he was super serious and not at all like his artwork, but just thinking of him got me thinking of drawing.

two months!

little malcolm ray, breaking my heart everyday

one month

i can't believe four weeks with malcolm has passed already. this blog was always a place to primarily put things i've made in the form of drawings. and while i don't intend to make this a baby only blog, i can't help but want to shout from rooftops: I MADE THIS FANTASTIC PERSON! in my body! how crazy is that! so there will be baby updates here more often than drawings for a while i'm sure.

suddenly everything has changed

it's 6am and i just finished the most recent feeding cycle while watching the Office labor & delivery episode per megamart's suggestion (turns out it is pretty accurate down to even having the newborns wrapped in exactly the same outfit we were provided with at the hospital). now he's back to sleep and i keep glancing down at him in his chair still in disbelief that he is finally here and ours to keep. i want to remember everything about this last week and hope that the details don't fade over time. so until i run out of time, a re-cap: my parents rode a wave of intuition on wednesday afternoon and decided to get in their car and make the 12-hour drive to chicago with the premonition that i would have the baby that weekend. we spent thursday at the art institute and wandering around downtown and friday we went to the garfield park conservatory (an amazing place!). that night, as everyone started to go to bed, i started having contractions and they steadied throughout the night. saturday morning i labored on the couch for several hours, feeling like my mind was somewhere overhead and out of my body. i remember my dad sitting by the edge of his couch and quietly singing prayer songs to me. it was also my dad's birthday so i remember him opening up presents at some point as well. when the contraction would start, i pictured our little guy surfing in on a big wave, getting closer and closer to us. fast forward and we're at the hospital with two midwives (one a student in training) and every now and then my mind would be brought back down to my body and i'd realize what was really happening. at 10:07pm after a few hours of crazy hard pushing and almost breaking the fingers in my mom and colin's fingers while squeezing them, he was born in the water with no drugs. i am pretty sure childbirth was my biggest fear and somehow i managed not only to get through it but to even consider it the best experience of my life. there's so much more to tell about this last week. i heard over and over again from friends about how much your life changes and how much love overwhelms you and the best way i can show the truth in this statement is here:

grandpa ray, always smelled good, always said "ewwwww!" (lovingly) when he'd see me, was the best sport when we wanted to put make-up and jewelry on him as kids, loved his members only jackets, a gin and tonic, a good mystery novel, and a game of euchre. will be missed dearly.